"It is the poet's job to remember"
Gerald Stern

Saturday, September 19, 2009


(Author's Note...as a fan of both "The Onion" and "The Jersey Backup," and in that vein, this is my tongue-in-cheek response to reality shows and the tabloids...and...uh...meaning no disrespect)

Kate Gosslein, the sharp tongued Mom of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, was whisked to a Hair Salon in Phillipsburg last Wednesday after learning that the entire state of Pennsylvania was temporarily out of hair bleach. It is rumored that over the course of the past year and a half, Kate has spent hours each day having her ever expanding highlights touched up, and the beauty supply warehouses have not been able to keep up with the demand.

Misty LaRue, proprietor of Misty’s Magic Fingers Massage and Hair Salon, worked on Kate personally. “She had her cell phone on speaker the whole time.” said the native born Phillipsburgian. “Even when we had her head in the sink she was yelling at her lawyer. She said that she gave birth to 8 kids, so she’s entitled to eight-tenths of everything. I think she also said something about getting Jon’s left lung and his hair plugs, but don’t quote me on that.”

Mabel Clarsidge was a client in the salon at the time. “I was under the hair dryer so I couldn’t hear, but I saw Kate grab a rat-tail comb and hold it under Misty’s throat. I don’t know what it was all about, but shortly afterwards a kid ran in from Starbucks with a grande frappuccino.”

Mel Stracher, spokesman for the Pennsylvania Association of Beauticians, contacted the media to add his comments to the growing Jon and Kate debacle. “Kate is a selfish woman,” he said in a Philadelphia newscast interview, “She apparently does not care if other people have to walk around with dark roots showing. Every salon in the state has a waiting list of furious women who cannot get a touch up because of Kate. She has a limo to drive her over state lines. She doesn’t have to pump her own gas to get her tummy-tucked-shrunken-rear-end over to Jersey, but what about the average Jane?” He shook his head in disgust. “We’re doing our best to get bleach from other states, but the demand is always high, even in the current economy. However, we have formed a coalition which will severely limit Kate Gosslein’s future access to it in Pennsylvania. Let Jersey have her and good riddance.”

In related stories, WalMarts across Pennsylvania are reporting that they have been wiped out of women’s hats and head scarves, and local police report responding to numerous complaints by grandmothers having babushkas snatched from their heads.