YOGA DREAMS

I have three friends who practice Yoga. They are toned. Not one of them has that older arm thing going on where the under part of your upper arm is capable of waving faster than your hand. They swear it has made their allergies better, improved physical strength, and charged their mental and spiritual circuits. I'm all for it, but not willing to take a class after my long ago "get in shape by joining Ballys" embarrassment. I went four times, and paid the membership fee monthly for the next two years. Ten years later they are still after me to re-join so I don't let my "pledge to fitness" falter. They're wasting their postage. My 'pledge' passed falter and took a nose dive many moons ago.

So, I bought a couple of books on Yoga. I'm smart. I comprehend and retain what I read. There were detailed illustrations. I figured it would be easy. The thing is, you have to lay down on the floor. Or sit in one position and look straight ahead. Or go from one position to the next in one fluid movement. It is impossible to look at illustrations in a book and do any of the above at the same time. The book has to be propped up and its pages turned and the pictures are not that big. This leads to very un-yoga-like contortions and many un-yoga-like thoughts.

So, I bought a Yoga DVD. I figured verbal instruction and a screen for demonstration was the way to go. Dixie Carter, that sassy sister from "Designing Women" was the instructor. I choose her from the others offered because she is older than I am. I thought she would have mercy on my joints and muscles. I thought she would be as gentle as her charming southern drawl. I thought we would do this one grandmother to another.

The breathing went well. It felt pretty good. Sitting in the first position was good too. She smiled a lot on the screen. Yep, Dixie was my yoga guru.

Then we actually started to move. Well, she moved. I winced and tried to follow along. I toppled more than most toddlers I've known. There was nothing 'fluid' about any of my movements...except my regret about the six cups of coffee I had for energy before we started. You know that thing called "salute to the sun?" It takes more strength and muscle than, oh say, giving birth. Dixie kept smiling. I gritted my teeth and growled.

At the end of the session, Miss Dixie does this relaxation thing. You lay down and she goes through a series of images and finally instructs you to let all the pain rise up and out of your body. So I lifted up my leg and used my foot to turn off the TV.