The Rules About Shoes

(Note: An introduction to "The Rules According to Linda," of which there are many)


I counted my shoes a year or so ago. I have lots of them. I admit to no specific number invoking The Shoe Privacy Act, which was instituted under the Rules According to Linda after the final count was made. Since the Act precludes me from having to make any defense, I will just state that the secret number includes all my shoes, the ones I don't wear often, sneakers and boots, and the ones I have never worn and ask myself why I bought them in the first place. If they fit in a shoebox, I counted them.


Men do not get the shoe thing. For them, a few pairs in black and brown work with everything. They generally have one or two types, all of them rather flat. Contrary to women, they do not buy shoes to go with their clothing, they buy clothing and have the pants hemmed to go with their shoes. They have no concept of heel height, for example, or how different skirt lengths demand different heels. There are colors, and then there are shades of colors. Then there are the dressy and casual categories. We need shades of colors in a charted course of different heel heights. It is a complicated formula and we don't expect men to crack the code. We accept that most men think all shades of navy are blue, and that the phrase, "it looks fine," means that it looks fine to THEM because they honestly think it doesn't matter. I don't fault any man for this as long as they do not violate the Shoe Privacy Act and ask too many accounting questions.


Shoe manufacturers play a hand in our obsession with shoe shopping because they purposely make it difficult to find comfortable and stylish shoes which makes long hours of new shoe exposure necessary. I also believe that there is some sort of calming drug infused into those little disposable socks the store hands out for trying on purposes. This is why we are able to jam our feet into narrow-pointed-toed-half-mile-high heels and keep our balance long enough to view our feet in those 8 inch mirrors. And the reason that there only those low mirrors in any shoe store in the land is so that we can't see ourselves unattractively grimacing as we walk.


If all of the above sounds like a justification for owning so many pairs of shoes, it is not. It is universal. Women can always buy shoes without having to measure up to the figure deemed stylishly acceptable for the season.


And, under Rule Number 623, Subsection I of The Shoe Privacy Act:
"Shoes are a concession bestowed upon women for giving birth and enduring menopause."

Any more questions?


: )